Road Trip - Day Three
Gisborne to Rotorua
Thanks to the better night’s sleep I was marginally less reluctant to get out of bed. Marginally. It seems the Matriarch doesn’t provide coffee to the needy, only supermarket raffle tickets. We set out as soon as we were packed. I suspect she had spent the morning before I awoke planning ways to get me out before having that dreaded second cup of coffee. Not to worry. I still had 2 more bottles of V. God bless four-packs.
We journeyed back to Opotiki via the direct (and still slightly more scenic) route, the Waioeka Gorge. Unfortunately the river there was up, making it muddy and not exceptionally photogenic. That didn’t stop me from trying at one rest area though. The Matriarch decided it was time to smoke some more of the boring stuff so we pulled over. While she fed her addiction I noticed a little track off to the side of the rest area. Following it down, I was attacked.
Not one but two wood pigeons got within a metre of me as they flew by, startling me almost as much as I had obviously just startled them. Wood pigeons, for those who may not have seen them hurtling through the air, are the feathered equivalent of legs of ham. Edible and they’ll fly if you can get enough speed behind them, just don’t expect to be able to steer. My escape was much narrower than it sounds.
I pushed on though, and was rewarded by sodden jeans when I decided to push through a patch of wet blackberries to see if there was anything worth seeing on the other side. There wasn’t. I returned to the car and we resumed our journey.
Lucky us, the Waioeka Gorge road comes out in Opotiki. We had an opportunity to trip down memory lane on our way out of town. We were, however, far too busy for that. The bottle-and-a-half of V I had consumed in place of that second coffee? Yes, well.
I was damn near desperate by the time we spotted a public toilet. As was the Matriarch. We pulled over at the first block we could find and rushed into the building together. Fortunately, or so I believed at first, there were two stalls. The Matriarch took one, I took the other.
The first thing I noticed was that it was the same kind of stainless steel toilet-seat-less monstrosity to which I had so objected in Te Araroa. The second was that someone had left a couple of bundles of toilet paper in it. With a shudder I reached over, pants still firmly fastened, and tried to flush. Nothing. I tried again. Nothing again. Bollocks.
I decided against that toilet and stalked out to be replaced by another hopeful punter. She may have been discouraged by the sight that greeted her but I guarantee you she was not deterred. The Matriarch’s toilet, as it turned out, had the same issues as my first. She spent what felt like quite some time establishing that. I spent that time wondering whether Matricide was still illegal and what qualifies “justifiable” homicide. Finally I gained custody of the toilet and did my dirty business. I stomped back to the car with the memory of the other woman’s emphatic acceptance of the status quo seared into my mind and nostrils. From now on I piss on the side of the road.
We moved along, perhaps a little more swiftly than before in our eagerness to put our experience behind us. No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little pun intended. But not much. We lunched in Ohope before continuing our journey to Rotorua, where we stopped by to visit my brother and his family for coffee. Six hours, two wines, three glayvas and a game of Life later I collapsed into a nice, soft spare bed and slept.
I was serious about the side of the road thing.
Tagged: adventures, Travel.