The Secret Ingredient
I baked some muffins today. I know, I know, not exactly traditional Christmas spread but I’m hardly going to make a whole Christmas cake for just me and the Man of the House now am I? Baking, I’ve noticed, is an excellent way to get yourself thinking about things that are entirely unrelated to what you should be doing. What was I thinking about? Cooking.
You see, I’m an okay baker but I’m an extremely ordinary cook. “What are you baking?” is invariably assigned a tone which suggests optimistic anticipation. On the other hand, “what are you cooking?” is reluctantly voiced as the Man of the House prepares himself for the worst.
It’s not like my cooking is bad, more that it’s not good. It’s in the twilit area between “dormitory food” and “five star restaurant”. Rarely are my meals memorable for their pleasant flavour or elaborate presentation. They are the very essence of home cooking. Utilitarian.
Unfortunately that mediocrity means that my catastrophes are all the more memorable. Without spectacular triumphs to balance them out the kitchen disasters take on legendary proportions. We still fondly remember my lettuce stirfry. Would you like the recipe?
Chop up your Meat of Choice and fry it.
Go to the fridge and remove Pre-Chopped, Pre-Packaged Stir Fry Vegetables.
Peer at it.
Notice the brown colouration and slimy texture.
Wrinkle nose.
Toss Pre-Chopped, Pre-Packaged Stir Fry Vegetables into the bin.
Consider options.
Decide cooked meat commits you to a certain course of action. In this case, to cook stir fry.
Search for Next Most Appropriate Vegetables.
Decide Assorted Lettuce Leaves look close enough to Assorted Chinese Greens.
Cook ‘em up.
Decide they can’t possibly taste as bad as they look.
Serve.
Discover that yes, actually, they can taste as bad as they look.
Never hear the end of it.
This is why we don’t have people over for dinner.
Tagged: domestic inconveniences, Hobbies.