One Angry Monkey

Submitted for your consideration:

Yes but no = yes / but / no = 3 syllables

Your argument has merit however the underlying premise is fallacious = your / ar / gu / ment / has / mer / it / how / ev / er / the / un / der / ly / ing / pre / mise / is / fal / la / cious = 21 syllables

Oxygen is a finite resource and should not be squandered by using 21 syllables where a mere 3 would suffice to convey an equivalent albeit abbreviated message. Therefore not only is my use of the phrase “yes but no” perfectly valid it is also better for the environment.

I baked some muffins today. I know, I know, not exactly traditional Christmas spread but I’m hardly going to make a whole Christmas cake for just me and the Man of the House now am I? Baking, I’ve noticed, is an excellent way to get yourself thinking about things that are entirely unrelated to what you should be doing. What was I thinking about? Cooking.

You see, I’m an okay baker but I’m an extremely ordinary cook. “What are you baking?” is invariably assigned a tone which suggests optimistic anticipation. On the other hand, “what are you cooking?” is reluctantly voiced as the Man of the House prepares himself for the worst. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes I wonder why I torture myself. It’s not like I enjoy it. I actually have an aversion to pain which borders on excessive. And yet somehow every time I’m presented with the opportunity to do something I know I’ll never allow myself to live down I go ahead and do it. What am I talking about this time? I’m talking about socialising of course.

With the silly season comes silly parties and functions. I know, I just got done gloating about how I get to avoid that with the family back across the ditch. Unfortunately for my prickly sense of dignity they’re not the only people who celebrate Christmas. Go figure. That wasn’t so bad when I attended things like Coles Christmas parties. There I was guaranteed not to make a fool of myself. Why? Well, I don’t drink until I can’t stand up without the aid of the bar and I don’t have a habit of showing off what I learned at pole dancing classes. I don’t actually take pole dancing classes which helps. Try to restrain your disappointment. Here’s the thing, and it’s going to come as a shock so brace yourself, I’m not good with people. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 6: Return of the Stolen Property

It all hung in the balance. Two victories for me. Two victories for Brendan. One draw. This was to be the deciding round. The outcome would decide, well, not much of anything. But winning doesn’t need to mean anything in order to be fun. And I like to win. It’s a family thing. The Matriarch, when facing defeat, will throw cards. Accusations have been made back and forth regarding Scrabble cheating. The family has, or has had, a thrower of Backgammon pieces. During our stay in Rotorua the Matriarch and I declared war on each other during the family game of Life.

We shouldn’t have done that. It allowed Sulfurous Winds from Below to defeat us. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 5: The Nerd Strikes Back

An unanticipated hurdle has threatened to bring my campaign crashing down around my ears. Brendan doesn’t work on the weekend. When he’s at home it’s hard to separate him from his desk. If he’s not actually at his computer he’ll still be in the same room, or returning in a matter of moments.

In an attempt to be clever and resourceful, I left him languishing in bed while I got up under the pretense of wanting to have his coffee and toast ready when he arose. In all honesty that was probably my most transparent ruse to date. Worked though. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 4: A New Hope

I think the heat might be getting to me. Adelaide is right in the middle of what’s being called an unseasonal heat wave. For the last week or so the temperature has been hovering around 35 degrees Celsius, give or take a couple of degrees. That’s 95 Fahrenheit, for all you imperialists out there. For November that’s extremely warm. I’m not enjoying it one bit.

You see, I don’t have a very high heat tolerance. Add to that the skin reaction I have to sun exposure and you have yourself a virtual shut-in. You’d think I’d be happy to spend my days lounging in front of the air conditioner but I’m not. I’m hopelessly bored. That’s what led to my declaration of war in the first place. Who declares war out of boredom? Well, at least I didn’t try and pretend Brendan had “nukular” weapons concealed somewhere in his Cave. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 3: Revenge of the Nerd

After the disappointment surrounding my theft of his main speaker I was almost deterred. For fear that had been his intention, however, I plowed on for a second attempt at Episode 3. I decided to return to the original plan and take something from the top of his desk.

There’s actually not as much selection as one might expect though. The majority of his “critically important” clutter is comprised of cables and blank DVDs. Eventually I settled on his roll of solder. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 2.5: Thwarted

Yesterday was to be the day when Brendan scored his first victory in the war between the forces of chaos and order. I’m the force of chaos, if you were wondering. Melodramatic? Perhaps. But a little overstatement never hurt anyone.

You see there was a method to my madness. I have a long memory, as you may have guessed from that grudge I’m holding for his watch game. I remember back when I first persuaded him to teach me how to play chess. The lessons remain incomplete and I fear I shall forever remain ignorant due to an issue we had during the third game. With a total of three pieces left to his name he decided to tip his little king onto its side and declare me the winner. That wasn’t a euphemism, if you were wondering. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 2: Attack of the Sticky Fingers

Emboldened by my victory in Episode 1, I decided to choose an object a little closer to the centre of his attention. To the right of his keyboard he has a little (bright yellow) plastic box which contains his precision screwdrivers. This was a daring ploy for two reasons. One, the box itself stands out like a shag on a rock. The second, and far more significant, reason was that it was almost as obvious a choice as the battery charger. Read the rest of this entry »

Episode 1: The Random Menace

The other day, while he should have been working, Brendan came across The Nerd Handbook and made the mistake of sending the link to me. As the post on his blog would suggest, he likes to think that it is the definitive guide to all things Brendan. I decided to test his hypothesis. Read the rest of this entry »